"Steroids on Capitol Hill"

That was the headline on the screen during a segment of ESPN's SportsCenter last night. I had this weird vision of Denny Hastert's exploding biceps and shrinking testicles.

It was a horrible moment.

Ah, but the headline, it turns out, referred to another great moment in gasbag history, as the "House Committee on Governmental Reform" -- in a moment of rare bipartisanship -- has decided to subpoena a slew of major league ball players as well as league and union officials to appear before the glorious committee...to do what...I'm not sure. Deny? Take the Fifth? Listen to the Drama Queen give a sermon on how those bad hitters' cheating is just not fair to little ol' pitchers like himself?

According to the committee, the subpoenaed players were Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro of the Baltimore Orioles, Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees, Curt Schilling of the Boston Red Sox, Frank Thomas of the Chicago White Sox and retired sluggers Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco.

Schilling and Thomas appear to have been subpoenaed because of their public outspokenness against steroid use; the others have all admitted or been accused of using steroids.

In addition, the committee issued subpoenas to MLB executives Rob Manfred and Sandy Alderson, union chief Donald Fehr and San Diego Padres General Manager Kevin Towers.

Hmmmm. No Barry Bonds? Curious.

In a statement released Wednesday, the committee said the presence of players at the hearing was necessary to educate the public about the dangers of steroids.

"Consistent with our jurisdiction over the nation's drug policy," said the statement, signed jointly by the panel's chairman, Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.) and ranking minority member, Rep. Henry A. Waxman (D-Calif.), "we need to better understand the steps MLB is taking to get a handle on the steroid issue, and whether news of those steps -- and the public health danger posed by steroid use -- is reaching America's youth."

And to teach "America's youth" that pomposity is no barrier to a successful career in the House of Representatives.

But what I really want to know is, why does the House Committee on Government Reform have "jurisdiction over the nation's drug policy?" I seriously doubt it's because they recognize that the "War on Drugs" is in need of some serious reform. Quite the contrary, I'm sure. But then again, the House Committee on Government Reform must have a lot of time on its hands since there's really nothing, really nothing to reform.

But let's get back to the youth. King Kaufman writes in today's Salon,

Oh, yeah, the children. The committee will also hear from the parents of two aspiring baseball players who committed suicide. Both families blame steroid abuse for the deaths.

Listen, Congress: The public is educated. You say "steroids" in any group of Americans and the first words that flash through every mind are "shrunken testicles." People get it: Steroids can help you get big and strong, but they can also tear you up, kill you even. Even the children get it. But, being children, they don't care.

And getting back to Bonds, isn't Waxman passing up an enormous opportunity here? I mean, Waxman's district is firmly in Dodgerland. I'd think he'd jump at the opportunity to make Bonds squirm (as if that were possible).

And congratulations to Jose Conseco who can now top off his book tour with an appearance before a Congressional committee. His publisher must be pinching herself.