How to "fix" the Democratic party

And I do mean fix.

Once the minority of House and Senate are comfortable in their minority status, they will have no problem socializing with the Republicans. Any farmer will tell you that certain animals run around and are unpleasant, but when they've been fixed, then they are happy and sedate. They are contented and cheerful. They don't go around peeing on the furniture and such.

That Grover Norquist, he sure is the model of graciousness in victory, isn't he? And he clearly knows a great deal about animal husbandry.

But if you want truly informed views on how to repair the Democratic party -- though "repair" may be too soft a word to use for a party thoroughly disgraced by Kerry's pathetic 48% of the popular vote -- you must read, and comprehend, the Medium Lobster's sage advice.

Truly this was a contest of pure ideas, and the ideas of liberal America lost. How can the Democrats regain the country? By adopting fresh, new, bold ideas. Specifically, the ideas of the Republicans from about twenty years ago or so.

I think the place for Democrats to start is with Creationism...er...I'm sorry..."Intelligent Design." I mean, what issue is better suited to proving that we have mended our ways and discarded the empty theories of the Reality-based Community?

And don't think I'm simply espousing that we cave on the issue, hypocritically denouncing centuries of science, simply to gain a few votes. No, I really think we have to rethink this whole human evolution thing because, lately, I've seen some behavior that is truly a rebuke to the whole notion.

I think a case could be made that ignorance played at least as big a role in the election's outcome as values. A recent survey by the Program on International Policy Attitudes at the University of Maryland found that nearly 70 percent of President Bush's supporters believe the U.S. has come up with "clear evidence" that Saddam Hussein was working closely with Al Qaeda. A third of the president's supporters believe weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq. And more than a third believe that a substantial majority of world opinion supported the U.S.-led invasion.

This is scary. How do you make a rational political pitch to people who have put that part of their brain on hold? No wonder Bush won.

The survey, and an accompanying report, showed that there's a fair amount of cluelessness in the ranks of the values crowd. The report said, "It is clear that supporters of the president are more likely to have misperceptions than those who oppose him."

Bob Herbert, thinking like the unreconstructed Democrat that he is, believes that somehow "teach-ins" will help educate the poor, dumb red staters in time for mid-term elections. Ha. He doesn't know these people like I know them. They will simply put their hands over their ears and chant "lalalalalalalala you can't make me marry a homosectualist Saddam bin Hussein" until the Liburals go away.

Nope, education is clearly not the answer. In fact, we should take away all of the funding the Red States receive from the Federal Gov'mint, since it comes from the industry and commerce of the Blue States anyway. Let them, nay, encourage them to homeschool their little monsters.

But I digress. This is an issue that Democrats can take, run with, and own! An amendment to the Constitution that enshrines the notion that God Intelligently Designed the Universe in a mere six days (taking the 7th off to watch NASCAR), oh, about six thousand years ago. He created Adam, and snatched a rib off to create Eve (no wonder we love BBQ so much; and why, come to think of it, BBQ gives us acid reflux). Include in the amendment the historic meeting of Moses and Thomas Jefferson, in which the former handed the latter the stone tablets containing the preamble to the Constitution.

This is a truly wondrous opportunity that I can only hope Hilary! can embrace. The Republicans -- focused as they are on making sure gay marriage is institutionally banished from the land and on realigning the tax code to lessen the burden on the rich while making the poor lucky duckies pay their fair share -- won't have even seen this coming.

And the rubes in Cobb County, GA will be left scratching their heads in confusion and chagrin. They'll be voting for Obama before they know it.

Just tell 'em not to scrape their knuckles on the way into the voting booth.