Stupid banking tricks

It's like he's holding a gun to his head, demanding that we stop him before he kills more.

Jamie Dimon, the bank's chairman, spoke of his "fortress balance sheet" as part of a presentation to investors during last week's results, highlighting the bank's $137.2bn of Tier One capital and 11.3pc Tier One capital ratio, which equates to 9.2pc without its $25bn of TARP capital.

A tetchy Dimon referred to the government's money as both a "scarlet letter" and the "TARP baby" – something which he is fed up of holding - during a conference call, saying he would pay it back tomorrow if he could.

Jamie Dimon, please shut up.

Another day, another attempt by a Wall Street bank to pull a bunny out of the hat, showing off an earnings report that it hopes will elicit oohs and aahs from the market. Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, Citigroup and, on Monday, Bank of America all tried to wow their audiences with what appeared to be — presto! — better-than-expected numbers.

But in each case, investors spotted the attempts at sleight of hand, and didn’t buy it for a second.

With Goldman Sachs, the disappearing month of December didn’t quite disappear (it changed its reporting calendar, effectively erasing the impact of a $1.5 billion loss that month); JPMorgan Chase reported a dazzling profit partly because the price of its bonds dropped (theoretically, they could retire them and buy them back at a cheaper price; that’s sort of like saying you’re richer because the value of your home has dropped); Citigroup pulled the same trick.

Bank of America sold its shares in China Construction Bank to book a big one-time profit, but Ken Lewis heralded the results as “a testament to the value and breadth of the franchise.”

Enough, already.